No Wedding, No Problem

This morning, I awoke to a cool breeze floating in through the bedroom window. It smelled clean and green, the kind of scent that coaxes the lungs to breathe a little deeper. I felt so alive that I had to suppress a laugh when I remembered that The Mouse, sleeping next to me, was raised with the belief that such an invigorating breeze will kill you.

In his culture, people believe a cross-breeze in an enclosed space can be deadly. That means you must never have two windows open at the same time on opposite sides of a room or car. Once, on a beautiful summer day in the former Yugoslavia, we rolled down a cab window to blow out the driver's suffocating cigarette smoke, which wasn't being blown out effectively through his open window.

"Close that window!" the driver shouted. "The cross-breeze is killing me!"

I tease them for their ideas, but people everywhere have superstitions and practices that contradict common sense. Even adults, who have piled up decades of life experience that might result in an overwhelming body of evidence for science and logic, regularly act out the dozens of untruths they were raised to believe.

When I was a kid, I made a wish if I happened to glance at a clock when it read 2:22 or 5:55 or -- jackpot! -- 11:11. I yanked out my loose teeth and stuck them under my pillow. I wore my Li'l Orphan Annie and Sandy pin when I needed a boost of good luck. When bad things happened, I pulled out that all-purpose phrase from my self-help arsenal and slathered it all over the pain like a medicated salve: That's how it was meant to be.

But I've since divorced myself from superstitions, the notion of destiny, and anything that can't be born out by science. To me, blind faith in anything is counterproductive, and for me that starts with Santa Claus and goes all the way to theology. I know a lot of people derive comfort from the framework of religion, from believing things they've been told they are virtuous to accept unquestioningly. That's fine for them. But it doesn't work for me and, as far as I can tell, it doesn't work for advances in medicine or technology or space exploration or any other areas that religion tells us we mustn't concern ourselves with.

I didn't realize this was such an unpopular viewpoint until The Mouse and I got engaged.

Originally, I didn't much care what kind of wedding we would have. My family is not religious, so if his family wanted us to have their kind of church wedding, fine. I don't think a wedding has to be a big deal; the marriage is the big deal, while the wedding is just embossed invitations and wildflowers and beef, chicken or vegetarian? and oh GOD, I hope he doesn't get wasted and sing Sweet Caroline. So where it takes place, and how, is rather unimportant to me.

That's how I felt -- until I found out that his church would not marry us unless I was baptized.

Before I could passively take part in a ceremony that held little meaning to me aside from the legal meaning, I would have to actively join a religion and pretend to believe things that I don't. As much as it sucks to watch people's eyes widen with fear when my answer to their questions is "I'm an atheist," and as much as it sucks to find out that some people are more narrow-minded than I thought, I can't misrepresent myself.

His parents exploded. They said they wouldn't attend any other kind of wedding. His priest called me on the phone, full of priestly intimidation and astonishment and worry. "It's only water," people told me, "and it won't change who you are on the inside." But all of the introspection this situation required only reinforced my position. If anybody's going to dump water on my head, it's going to be The Mouse. While I'm in the shower. Very cold water. Because he's still ten years old. (And when he does that, I will gladly pronounce my undying faith in his capacity for childish pranks.)

So after months of ruminating and discussing, we told his family last week that we're not having a wedding. They weren't thrilled, but they accepted it. Instead, we're going to have a civil ceremony at a city hall or on a cliff on the ocean, just the two of us, to say the legally required words and maybe a few extras if we're so inclined. We'll throw a big reception at which everyone is free to get extremely drunk and embarrass themselves with singing, dancing or various states of partial undress. And then we'll continue living our lives together as we have for the last seven years, full of wonder at the world around us and mutual respect for the way we've chosen to navigate it.

And maybe make a few jokes about how we're going straight to hell.

Comments

[Maya]

I volunteer to help you....you two can *elope* to SB! J of the P or a non-denominational officiant, no problem. We have cliffs! and wildflowers! and ....other cool stuff!

And than you can have a big ole' reception at home. Or here. But whatever you do - I think your wedding should be about *you* not them.

-----

Teej says: Spoken like a true wedding planner! Thank you so much.

[Amy]

A couple of heathens, you are.
Where does one worship Mouse's capacity for childish pranks? I feel drawn to this faith:)

[Maya]

Now I've really dangled a carrot out in front of you. Check out my latest entry.

[sam]

I really feel you on this one. Mike's family is VERY Catholic, and I am...well, nothing, I suppose. If - IF - Mike ever asks me to marry him, I'm sure the fact that I'm not Catholic (and refuse to convert) will be an issue. Oh, and also that I don't want a Catholic wedding.

I love it when people make your happiness their personal business! Fun times!

[Maya]

PS Tell Mouse not to feel bad about childish pranks. It's what keeps us young! I have a groom who has requested a pinata and some sort of games be fitted into the wedding weekend so...you know...have fun with it. Ah believe ah am two-thirds of the comment thread heah, ah do apologize.

[WG]

Yeah, we are seriously behind on catching up and I realize that is mostly my fault. Is it awful if I am actually thrilled that you won't have a wedding? Receptions I can go to. Weddings in churches present all sorts of difficulties, though I was prepared to risk ETERNAL DAMNATION (even though I don't think we believe in that) for yours. But now I don't have to. And that's cool. :-)

[girlanddog]

You're my new hero. I'm getting married sometime next year, and my man's parents want a church wedding. I dislike organized religion (that's an understatement), and now, if his parents' church wants me to get baptized, I'll think of you and not succumb. Good luck with the elopement!!

[b]

It has been a long mental journey for you. I am glad to hear that "those are not going to get MARRIED" accepted. Can't wait to hear about the reception...will there be shot gun salute?

[Librarian Girl]

First of all, I will see you in hell, because I'll be there too, droppin' it like it's hoooot. Let's have lunch, ok?

Second of all, you rock. But you already knew that, I hope.

[TommyMac]

I had very much the same treatment with regards to having my daughter baptised. Even though I had been a member of that particular church since the age of 3, the folks in charge mandated that I attend a series of training classes in order to clear the way for the baptism. I personally thought that 8 years of Sunday School had been enough for me. So, I nixed it. No baptism. You should see the look on some peoples' faces when I tell them that my beautiful little girl is un-baptised. It's as if they thought a warlock was going to eat her.

[ScottsdaleGirl]

Darlin, it's you and Mouse's day, no one else's. Make it memorable FOR YOU.

We had the same kind of wedding (um with my ex) and it was magnificent.

And GOOD ON YA for not bending your beliefs to anyone else for ANY reason. You're my hero.

[Schnozz]

You can always just get married at your own reception. That's what I did, because I too was banned from all things holy. (Well, it was sort of a self-imposed ban, but still.) We just arranged the tables with an aisle down the middle, and after an hour of hors d'oeuvres, we just tromped down the aisle and had the DJ provide the soundtrack. That way, we got a pretty romantic ballroom to get married in, and no one missed seeing us get married. It was great fun!

Not that I don't respect your decision. I think that whatever you do will be great. I just always think that my ideas are totally the best and everyone should do those instead. It's a minor character flaw.

[Mandi]

Loved your bit about the cross-breeze! My German boyfriend has the same belief -- even in the depths of heat and humidity in the NYC summers, he will refuse to have any kind of fan blowing in his direction, for fear of getting sick and dying. Even an intelligent neuroscientist refuses to let go of this one -- and for that, I tease him (and love him) endlessly!