iLove My Husband

Here's some typical holiday conversation in our house:

"[Our birthday/Christmas/Elephant Appreciation Day/National Hairball Awareness Day] is next week. Are we doing presents?"

"I don't know... We DID just [go on that trip/buy that couch/cash out our 401(k)s to support our Velvet Elvis-collecting habit]. Maybe that should count as our gifts?"

"Agreed."

Valentine's Day usually fits into that scenario. But this year, I suggested that we use it as an excuse to buy each other gifts, because I love buying people gifts and I also don't entirely mind being on the receiving end. So we set a price ceiling and then went about our secret planning, which basically amounted to me scouring the web and wishing that The Mouse actually wanted something -- ANYTHING IN THE WORLD -- that fits within the set price range. The only things he wants are a Vespa, a Kindle, a MacBook Air, his own luxury hotel, an African safari and a supermodel.

I got the closest things I could find: two books showcasing luxury hotels, which was meant to be a cool gift but could actually come off as meaning here are two beautifully bound keepsakes of stunning photographs of the things you will never be able to afford. XOXOXO.

But at least I followed the rules. He did not. And for that, I am eternally grateful:

It's so much better than I could have imagined. I wish I could tell you that it's not great, because that's what I wanted to hear. Every time my friend Sharon pulled out her iPhone and offered to let me take it for a spin, I could only stick my fingers in my ears, squeeze my eyes shut and repeat, "PUT IT AWAY, PUT IT AWAY, NO NO NO I CAN'T LOOK." Because I knew I was dangerously close to the edge, and even a taste would send me careening over the cliff into the Cult of iPhone.

I wish I could tell you that it's OK, it's just a phone, and does it really need all of those goddamned buttons? But I can't lie to you. The truth is that it's a phenomenal feat of computer engineering, it's thirteen thousand times more than just a phone, and all of those goddamned buttons are TOUCHSCREEN GATEWAYS TO HEAVEN that make me repent sins I haven't even committed just so I can be bathed in their beautiful LCD light.

Don't hate me. I've already spent the afternoon begging my beloved WG to come back to me because iPhone envy, no matter how understandable, should never destroy friendships. Save that kind of friendship-destroying envy for when I purchase my third luxury hotel.

But keep in mind, that's exactly the time I will need you most. Because by then, my husband will be able to afford his own supermodel.

Comments

[cadiz12]

am i a bad person because i don't get it? granted, i haven't touched the iPod Nano i got for christmas and i mourned the death of the telegram. perhaps i was born in the wrong era.

but i am glad that it's made you happy! maybe you can use that newfangled thing to ward off any supermodels who try and edge you out out of the luxury hotel's penthouse suite. at the very least you can throw it and knock them off their spindly legs.

-----

Teej says:

No no, you are LUCKY that you don't get it. If I didn't get it, I would be carrying one of those free phones and The Mouse would have a lot extra change in his pocket. Trust me -- this gadget addiction is a thing I do not wish upon my enemies, let alone my friends. It's a far more expensive habit than, say, collecting tin foil. I wish tin foil satisfied me.

[j-feld]

okay, i saw the photos from your wedding reception, and supermodels have got nothing on you.

i totally share your consuming love of the iphone. i actually love it so much i bought apple stock. i want to be the genius who somehow figured out how to turn every iphone owner into a rabid iphone evangelist...

[Moose]

This causes me actual pain. My heart, it feels hollow. OH, IPHONE. BATHE ME IN YOUR SWEET LIGHT.

I'm not obsessed. Or weird. No. Of course not.

-----

Teej says:

You're not obsessed or weird. You're JUST LIKE ME. Which doesn't really preclude you from being obsessed or weird, actually it sort of ensures it, but... Oh, just go get an iPhone. That's what I'm trying to say. Take your last paycheck from your cube job and INDULGE. I support you.

[Librarian Girl]

AW MAN! You so luckeeeee!

Totally jealous of the iPhone. I want to be cool and say that I don't covet one, but ah well.

-----

Teej says:

I didn't covet one until I touched one. DO NOT TOUCH ONE.

(If The Mouse were here right now, he'd say, "That's what she said." Hi! I married a 12-year-old.)

[WG]

I do still love you. I could never not love you for long. I told you, it's just a jealous love. Just promise me that if you ever sell a company for $5M plus stock, and you own 12% of that company, so you have 12% of $5M, that you will not just tell me about the sale casually, two weeks after you gave me one-half of a $36 gift certificate to a crappy restaurant, OK? Yes, really.

[Meredith]

I have touched many as half my office bought one the very day they came out and yes, they are AWESOME and I totally want one, but I think I want a house more so I should focus on shoving money there. But yes, they are all that and also a slice of yummy pie. Consider me jealous.

[Scottsdale Girl]

I am soooooo jealous!!!!!!!

[Sphincter]

I have managed to avoid any contact with the iPhone. Must turn away. Must avert my eyes. Be gone Satan iPhone! Do not tempt me with your coolness!

[darlene]

so. jealous. so very very jealous. sigh. it is not so easy to have an iphone in canada yet ... sigh.

:)

you are totally a supermodel, um ... hello, tee hee

[Nothing But Bonfires]

Welcome to the club! I can say with FULL CONFIDENCE and NO IRONY WHATSOEVER that this is going to change your life.