Lessons in Customer Service: When All Else Fails, Be Maddeningly Polite

"Hi. I need to schedule a pickup."

"Yes, miss. I can help you with this. When does the package need to be picked up?"

"As soon as possible. It was supposed to be picked up Wednesday but nobody picked it up."

"Oh! I am very sorry for the inconvenience. What is the tracking number?"

"[Blah, blah, blah, several digits]."

"Yes, miss, very sorry for the inconvenience. I am showing that this package will be delivered today by 5 p.m."

"Uh... no. It won't. Because it hasn't been picked up yet."

"Oh. Yes. Very sorry for the inconvenience. Can you please hold?"

"Sure."

....

"Yes, miss. What I can do is schedule a pickup for you, miss. Is this something you would like me to do?"

"Uh, yes. Very much so."

"Yes, very sorry for the inconvenience. We can pick it up Saturday. Is this acceptable?"

"That's fine."

"OK, miss. Very sorry for the inconvenience. We will pick it up tomorrow. Your confirmation number for the pickup is 5--"

"I'm sorry, what is 5?"

"The pickup confirmation."

"Oh, OK. Go ahead."

"5."

"Yes...?"

"............"

"Wait, what is 5? The time you're confirming that you'll pick it up? 5 p.m.?"

"No, miss. Very sorry for the inconvenience. Your confirmation number is 5."

"5."

"Yes."

"5...?"

"5."

"5-5...?"

"5."

"Wait, what are we talking about? It's 5? Just 5? What do I do with '5'?"

"When nobody picks up your package tomorrow and you have to call to tell us that nobody picked it up, you can give us confirmation number '5'."

"Right. Five."

"Yes."

"When nobody comes tomorrow."

"Yes, miss. Very sorry for the inconvenience."

"Oh, me too."

Comments

[All Adither]

And please deliver it to 5 Main Street. If you need to reach me, my phone number is 5.

That was super funny.

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Teej says:

HAHAHA, *that* was funny.

They picked it up. I almost wish they hadn't because I'm sure the resulting call would have been worth my trouble.

[Jennie]

I had a similar experience once...this particular guy's tag line was "Thank you so very much." Drove me insane by the end of the call.

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Teej says:

Ah, the polite, repetitive phrase. My favorite technique is the regurgitation of a request. "I would like to change my telephone number." "Well, I could help you change your telephone number. Is that something you would like me to do?" Oh, sure. What the hell.

[seven]

Aahhh... telephone customer service. They make me crazy... and what the heck? Your confirmation number was 5? That's it? It reminds me of that scene in The Little Rascals where the kids are in the bank and the guy asks what their account number is. Their reply? "7." He says, "Seven? SEVEN?" and one of the kids says, "Try 8."

[Ward]

I think you need to just calm down and waste a lot of time on this web page. http://cute.alltop.com/

I saw this just now and immediately thought of you. Then I went to get some Tums. :)

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Teej says:

Staring. Vacant eyes. Drool on chin. PUUUUPPPPPPIIIIEEEESSSS.

[Camels & Chocolate]

It's totally the Kramfors - good eye! Glad someone else likes the turquoise; I always need additional opinions to justify any purchase, ha =)

And did your shipping woes have anything to do with UPS? Because when I moved two weeks ago, they didn't show up for THREE days in a row to pick up all of my stuff, then after enough harassing, I finally got someone out there, only for my 10 boxes to arrive 11 days later in California completely destroyed. So yeah, the other part of my holiday weekend was full of taking photos and filling out forms for the tedious claims process (good thing I insured every box for $1000!).

[Nothing But Bonfires]

I'm going to go out on a limb and GUESS that this was DHL. I've had very similar conversations with DHL robots like that, although I have to say my confirmation numbers have always been SLIGHTLY longer than one digit.

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Teej says:

Judging by the comments to this post, it's becoming clear that all of the major carriers use the same call center. So we're screwed any which way. But no, it wasn't DHL or UPS. It was a different company, one that rhymes with something like... HeadVex. DeadWrecks.

[cadiz12]

i was going to say FedEx!!! I recently sent something to a client on a thursday that needed to get there by 3 pm the next day. turns out it sat around at the drop spot all day friday, then sat around in Hartford, CT until tuesday, and FINALLY after i became extremely irate, it got to my client on Wednesday. Then when I complained, they refunded the charge for that package, but weren't overly apologetic about it. They just said it was very rare, but it had been mis-sorted.

hmph.

[Xteener]

At least they didn't set the standards too high. That way, if it was not picked up you couldn't call in to say you were guaranteed a pickup. When they guarante failure, you'll never be disapointed.

[Sphincter]

I wonder if everybody's confirmation number is 5. You know, to avoid confusion.
:)

[MrFrancis]

Sometimes, it is good to have memorized a servile phrase before you try and BS your way out of a screwup.

[kerrianne]

I have had this exact conversation! with several Fed Ex customer service reps. OK, not "exactly," but so close it's scary. I always imagine their managers hovering over them with big electric signs that say "APOLOGIZE. AND THEN APOLOGIZE AGAIN. AND REMEMBER: ALWAYS USE COURTESY TITLES. AND DON'T EVER CALL A WOMAN M'AM, EVEN IF SHE SOUNDS LIKE YOUR GRANDMOTHER."

[Chelsea Talks Smack]

Hahaha the patience needed for this type of thing is incredible.

You're blog rocks! I loved this post - it took me down some very scary memory lanes! I think all customer service reps around the country are required to attend the same hour-long training session on what customer service really means (or doesn't)!