A Little Therapy

Whenever you need to feel better about the pathetic state of the world -- impending nuclear war, erosion of freedoms, death of all that's good and decent, et cetera, ad infinitum -- here's what you do: You invite a toddler to spend the weekend, squeeze her fleshy little upper arm every hour (give or take ten minutes), and color. With crayons.

 

This is Alise. If you don't know Alise, please read this. It's the best way to quickly acquaint yourself.

But if you can't be bothered to read her fascinating ideas on children's privacy rights with respect to popular blogging practices, I'll tell you this: She's the daughter of my friends Mindy and John. She's also a double PhD who wrote two dissertations: "Mass Media and the Rise of the Infant World View," followed by "The Secret Lives of Puppets: Social Darwinism At Play." Both successfully defended.

Of course, that's a lot of work to do before turning 2, so she had never visited Washington, D.C. We took her around the city and showed her a monument or two. We also took her to the Cherry Blossom Festival parade, where Abby Cadabby was scheduled to appear. Abby is apparently a member of the cast of Sesame Street and a fairy godmother in training. Alise very much respects Abby's theories on the function of folk magic belief among human children, and I think she was hoping for a minute alone with Abby to discuss those theories. So she was really disappointed when Abby and all the other Sesame Street people just walked by and waved like we were all drooling, empty-headed babies. How insulting! "I'd expect that from Elmo and Cookie Monster," Alise said, shaking her head, "but not Abby."

But we approached the situation philosophically; Abby Cadabby has to make a paycheck like everybody else. Alise said she'll try to engage Abby in written correspondence, which might enable Abby to respond on her own time when The Man isn't forcing her to pander to babies with hypnotic, doe-eyed expressions.

We tried to show Alise the cherry blossoms but, alas, they bloomed a little early this year. We settled for tulips at something called the Tulip Library, which was FULL of hundreds of brilliantly colored tulips -- and did not at all amount to settling, in my opinion.

Alise said she'd never seen such springtime magnificence as we saw in the Tulip Library, and that this was unlike any library she'd ever closed down at 1 a.m. after a long night of studying.

Then we went back home and cleared our heads with a power nap followed by some intense coloring.

Dude, coloring is therapeutic. For people like me, anyway -- I just stay inside the lines that are already drawn and I pick whatever color I feel like. Purple eyes! Green noses! I don't think, I just do, and I feel like a carefree kid again. But Alise is a passionate colorer. She disregards useless conventions such as lines. "How can you create art within the confines of someone else's framework?" she asked. And I had to admit that she might be right.

Then I asked for a red crayon, and do you know what she did? She handed me a green. Point taken, young master. Point taken.

But Alise wasn't all seriousness. We found a bit of Curious George programming on TV and she was so happy about it that she was reduced to baby talk ("Jooj!") just like she reduces me to baby talk ("Aliiiiiiiiisey!"). We all have our buttons.

Then she grabbed a phone charger, ran up and down the hall a few times, and showed that she can be a wild child with the best of 'em.

RAWWWR. It's like that scene in "School of Rock" when the Jack Black character takes the Joan Cusack character -- the principal -- to a bar. He gets her good 'n' drunk so she forgets her primness and starts babbling about Stevie Nicks and belting out "Edge of Seventeen." If only Alise's academic advisors could have seen this!

We had a toddler in our house for only two days, but those were some nice days, let me tell you. She was a breath of fresh air and totally made me forget that poor children go hungry and doggies get hit by cars. Her upper arm? Sweet Jesus. Just try to give it a squeeze while maintaining coherent thought. I challenge you.

When Mindy and John weren't within earshot, I offered Alise a deal: Stay here. Stay here and we will let you play in the office with which you are so fascinated. It's yours! You can go out on the patio whenever you want, as long as you wear some kind of safety harness, and we'll dance to Vampire Weekend every day until you get sick of it.

"Oatmeal every morning?"

"Yes! Yes, and those cheesy goldfish crackers too. For lunch."

"I prefer the Dole fruit bars. And I get to climb on the coffee table whenever I want?"

"Of course! We'll put rubber bumpers on the corners."

"Don't insult me."

"Sorry, it's just... your muscle tone and coordination. They're still developing. But whatever, no bumpers. Do we have a deal?"

She thought for a moment. "Look, it sounds nice -- and I totally appreciate the coffee table thing -- but I'm afraid it's just not possible."

I sighed. "Nana?"

"Yep," she nodded. "You're nice, but you're no Nana."

So Alise, Mindy and John returned to their home and their Nana and GrandBob. And I sit here with nothing but memories and her leftover YoBaby (vanilla and banana) to comfort me as I wonder what else I could have done to sweeten the deal.

Sigh. I guess we'll always have D.C.

Comments

[cadiz12]

That shot with the phone charger totally looks like a freeze-frame from Scarface. If she had saved that for Abby, maybe she would have gotten a little face time.

Alise rocks.
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Teej says:

I never thought of that, but you're totally right. It looks like she could be holding an M16 and screaming "SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND." Not that Alise endorses such behavior. Cocaine is bad news, kids. Bad news.

[darlene]

:) oh my gosh, this was the best post i have read in such a long time, it totally made me giggle, smile and ohhhh and awwww and laugh and wow ... alise rocks and so do you!

[Schnozz]

Best. Post. Ever.

[Marmite Breath]

*sigh*

Oh, Alise. You have made my evening, you clever little thing, you.

[Meredith]

I'd steer her clear of Abby Cadabby, I heard she is working on a book deal with Anne Coulter!

Alise is the bomb! This was a great post, and on a day that I really needed to smile!

[Xteener]

Love this! You've made my night.

[Kerri Anne]

Alise seems awesome. I miss having kiddos to hang out with. And that last picture? Probably the cutest picture of all time.

[Camels & Chocolate]

Hahahahaha, that Alise convo is classic. And at least she looks much happier in these pics that in your last post of her, HA!

But I have to ask, is she popping a squat in that last one??

[Beth]

Popping a squat?!??!

[Hänni]

Best baby post ever. Seriously adorable.

[Ward]

Where oh where has the Sloth Monkey gone,
Oh where oh where could she be?