Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Lessons in Customer Service: When All Else Fails, Be Maddeningly Polite

"Hi. I need to schedule a pickup."

"Yes, miss. I can help you with this. When does the package need to be picked up?"

"As soon as possible. It was supposed to be picked up Wednesday but nobody picked it up."

"Oh! I am very sorry for the inconvenience. What is the tracking number?"

"[Blah, blah, blah, several digits]."

"Yes, miss, very sorry for the inconvenience. I am showing that this package will be delivered today by 5 p.m."

"Uh... no. It won't. Because it hasn't been picked up yet."

"Oh. Yes. Very sorry for the inconvenience. Can you please hold?"

"Sure."

....

"Yes, miss. What I can do is schedule a pickup for you, miss. Is this something you would like me to do?"

"Uh, yes. Very much so."

"Yes, very sorry for the inconvenience. We can pick it up Saturday. Is this acceptable?"

"That's fine."

"OK, miss. Very sorry for the inconvenience. We will pick it up tomorrow. Your confirmation number for the pickup is 5--"

"I'm sorry, what is 5?"

"The pickup confirmation."

"Oh, OK. Go ahead."

"5."

"Yes...?"

"............"

"Wait, what is 5? The time you're confirming that you'll pick it up? 5 p.m.?"

"No, miss. Very sorry for the inconvenience. Your confirmation number is 5."

"5."

"Yes."

"5...?"

"5."

"5-5...?"

"5."

"Wait, what are we talking about? It's 5? Just 5? What do I do with '5'?"

"When nobody picks up your package tomorrow and you have to call to tell us that nobody picked it up, you can give us confirmation number '5'."

"Right. Five."

"Yes."

"When nobody comes tomorrow."

"Yes, miss. Very sorry for the inconvenience."

"Oh, me too."

Friday, February 15, 2008

iLove My Husband

Here's some typical holiday conversation in our house:

"[Our birthday/Christmas/Elephant Appreciation Day/National Hairball Awareness Day] is next week. Are we doing presents?"

"I don't know... We DID just [go on that trip/buy that couch/cash out our 401(k)s to support our Velvet Elvis-collecting habit]. Maybe that should count as our gifts?"

"Agreed."

Valentine's Day usually fits into that scenario. But this year, I suggested that we use it as an excuse to buy each other gifts, because I love buying people gifts and I also don't entirely mind being on the receiving end. So we set a price ceiling and then went about our secret planning, which basically amounted to me scouring the web and wishing that The Mouse actually wanted something -- ANYTHING IN THE WORLD -- that fits within the set price range. The only things he wants are a Vespa, a Kindle, a MacBook Air, his own luxury hotel, an African safari and a supermodel.

I got the closest things I could find: two books showcasing luxury hotels, which was meant to be a cool gift but could actually come off as meaning here are two beautifully bound keepsakes of stunning photographs of the things you will never be able to afford. XOXOXO.

But at least I followed the rules. He did not. And for that, I am eternally grateful:

DSC_1526_s

It's so much better than I could have imagined. I wish I could tell you that it's not great, because that's what I wanted to hear. Every time my friend Sharon pulled out her iPhone and offered to let me take it for a spin, I could only stick my fingers in my ears, squeeze my eyes shut and repeat, "PUT IT AWAY, PUT IT AWAY, NO NO NO I CAN'T LOOK." Because I knew I was dangerously close to the edge, and even a taste would send me careening over the cliff into the Cult of iPhone.

I wish I could tell you that it's OK, it's just a phone, and does it really need all of those goddamned buttons? But I can't lie to you. The truth is that it's a phenomenal feat of computer engineering, it's thirteen thousand times more than just a phone, and all of those goddamned buttons are TOUCHSCREEN GATEWAYS TO HEAVEN that make me repent sins I haven't even committed just so I can be bathed in their beautiful LCD light.

Don't hate me. I've already spent the afternoon begging my beloved WG to come back to me because iPhone envy, no matter how understandable, should never destroy friendships. Save that kind of friendship-destroying envy for when I purchase my third luxury hotel.

But keep in mind, that's exactly the time I will need you most. Because by then, my husband will be able to afford his own supermodel.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

High

I spent two hours on Sunday standing on the corner of 14th and U Streets holding an Obama sign as high as my arms would reach. You'd think this would be easy, because a sign is a piece of paper. But you would be wrong about the first part. When your arms are roughly as strong and taught as al dente linguini, holding anything --nothing -- above your head for two hours is quite difficult. The wind was gusting to fifteen thousand mph, and eventually I couldn't feel my fingers. I started to wonder just how far I'd go for Obama. Aching shoulders? Runny nose? FROSTBITE?

I'm slightly more cynical than Pollyannaish. But I have to tell you that standing on that street corner while hundreds of people drove by, honking and pumping their fists in the air and shouting, "Obama!" gave me so many warm and gooey feelings that I thought my insides had liquefied.

People of all colors and ages stopped to ask for buttons and posters. Pedestrians clapped and cheered. Bus drivers and cab drivers peppered the air with the sound of horns. And then rainbows filled the horizon, the sick were suddenly healed, and all the people in the D.C. metro area spontaneously broke into a chorus of "The Star-Spangled Banner." With angels singing backup.

But honestly, it was really nice. Really, really nice. Even nicer than Slice of Pink's Banana Carmel Chocolate Spice Pie, which I made today. (And trust me, people: That's saying a lot. That pie is a circular piece of heaven.)

I urge you all to go support your candidate and then come home and enjoy a delicious bakeless pie. Because the combination of a democracy high followed by a sugar high? The only thing I can imagine taking me any higher is a 30-minute slow-motion video of puppies running through fields of wildflowers. And since I don't have one of those on hand, I may have to eat another piece of pie.

Monday, February 04, 2008

Progress

Whenever I come back from a trip outside the U.S., I'm always struck by details of American life that I hadn't much noticed before. Yesterday, on my way to meet The Mouse for lunch in D.C.'s Chinatown, I realized that skyscrapers block the sun. BLOCK THE SUN. Not to get all John Muir on you, but isn't that sort of odd? Blocking large swaths of land from the sun and covering them with concrete means that nothing will grow there. For much of human history, if nothing would grow on the land, there would be nothing for people to eat. And if there were nothing for people to eat, they would starve and die. But instead, we grew really big brains and used them to build really big buildings, transport crops from elsewhere, and otherwise conquer the Earth and all of the limitations it imposed. Progress.

This all stands in contrast to my experiences of the last two weeks. Down in tiny Samara, on the Pacific side of Costa Rica, we spent two very slow and quiet weeks living as the Earth dictated. We slathered on lotion to block the sun's rays. We napped in the hottest part of the day when it was too hot to do anything else. We swam during high tide. Swatted flies that competed for our lunch, grew accustomed to the ants that crawled in our room. Awoke with the birds and slept when the sun set. Initially, the change-up of my normally self-directed routine made me restless. But in the end, I fell into step with nature's constant -- and often inconvenient -- rhythm. For us, it was a step back to a simpler time that existed many, many generations ago in our own homeland.

Three years ago, a friend spent a summer in Samara teaching English. When I told him today that two American car rental companies have set up offices in Samara, he was shocked. Pablo, the Costa Rican man who took us to a nearby island for snorkeling last week, told us that Samara did not have any white people roaming its streets five to ten years ago. "It's good and it's bad," he said. "The tourism is good for our economy and it gives us jobs, but it also introduces our children to new people with new ideas and new ways of thinking. That's not always good."

We could see the wariness on locals' faces. Not resentment so much as resignation -- an understanding that their conflicting feelings don't even matter because the change they're witnessing is inevitable. It's an unstoppable process that has already been thrust into motion. Italians, Americans, Germans, Canadians -- they're all snapping up property and building roomy houses and comfy motels to hold more of their kind. They hire locals to cook and clean and transport and guard, thus providing jobs to fuel the local economy. But they also drive up prices. And as Pablo told us, "People here were getting along just fine before tourism."

Samara is still relatively unknown to tourists. But as vacationers seek out spots that are quieter and less touristy than Tamarindo or Jaco, they'll trickle into Samara with increasing regularity. And to accommodate those tourists, Samara may grow to resemble the very areas that those travelers are trying to avoid. And then one day, when Samara perhaps has a Burger King and a Subway and a giant, all-inclusive resort, travelers will move on to the next beach town that is purer, less contaminated with the world they are trying to escape. They may leave behind a town that attracts only tourists who are less interested in cultural exchange than in packaged experiences that sample fragments of local life but never push them out of their comfort zones. A town that has changed irreversibly.

I love visiting other countries and cultures. It challenges my own ways of thinking and shakes up my routines and notions about the world. It makes me a better global citizen. But as much as we gain from our sojourns into other worlds, we leave behind traces of our own societies' values. We show up in our fashionable clothing with our ultra-portable laptops, shiny cameras and North Face gear, and we impart our ideas of progress. But is progress equal to to having more money to acquire more things? Is it the ability to buy a Coca-Cola on every corner? Is progress an ethic that values work more than leisure? The existence of farming conglomerates that grow, distribute and sell produce for lower prices?

Or are we merely teaching, by example, how to live in fruitless pursuit of the material happiness that is marketed to us? Are we, in effect, telling people who are happy and self-sufficient that they're measuring themselves by the wrong standards? That they're actually unhappy and poor and didn't even know it?

I don't know the answer. Maybe these changes are uncomfortable only for the one generation that lives to see life clearly on both sides of such progress -- the before and the after. Maybe the dark and the light of human nature -- the greed and the beautiful desire to achieve for achievement's sake -- conspire to make such change inevitable.

I know it's not black and white. But I think that exploring the shades of grey would make all travelers a little more aware of the exchange we take part in with every border we cross. And wouldn't that be progress?

Sunday, February 03, 2008

Tenuous Lifeline

I returned to the States to this news on Saturday night. The article from The Independent says that 38,000 people have signed the petition to urge the UK Foreign Office to pressure the Afghan government to prevent the execution of the Afghan journalism student who was sentenced to death for downloading and distributing material on women's rights (which an Islamic court deemed blasphemous). A more recent number is in the box to the right of the article: 48,000.

If you added your name, thanks. If you haven't, please do. Thanks to international pressure for justice -- of which this petition was a part -- Pervez Kambaksh now has the opportunity to appeal his case. But that doesn't mean the appeal will necessarily result in a sentence commutation or pardon, or that he or his family are safe.

Keep the pressure on. With the assassination of Bhutto and the resurgence of the Taliban, Central Asia is an increasingly unstable region. It would be a tragedy for this case to be lost among the chaos.

Friday, February 01, 2008

Sentenced to Death for Downloading

A university student in Afghanistan has been sentenced to death by an Islamic court for downloading and distributing a report on women’s rights. The Independent is trying to do something about it.

If this story makes you feel outraged, please consider signing the petition (linked to at the end of the article). Who can say whether it will help? It might, and that’s reason enough.

I heard about this from a friend in the UK. I have not read about it in U.S. media -- have you?

In the meantime, CNN is working awfully hard to keep us all up to date on Britney’s condition. Hats off.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Waterproof Sunscreen Isn't Waterproof (or "Ouch")

When I was a kid, I was brown as a nut in the summertime. But apparently my skin has changed since then, and I no longer have skin that welcomes the sun. I have skin that gets angry -- furious! -- when exposed to UV rays for too long. That's why I stocked up on waterproof SPF 50 sunscreen for this trip. Fifty. Five-zero.

And then I put it on, and it worked!

And then I went surfing, and it didn't work.

Fortunately, I was wearing a rash guard, which is a really unappealing name for "long-sleeved shirt," so the burn was confined to my cheeks and the backs of my legs. That should tell you that I didn't spend a lot of time in the vertical position during this morning's expedition. (This is what is called foreshadowing.)

And the burn isn't bad at all, it's just... avoiding sunburn has become a point of pride for me. I don't want skin cancer, and so I have become accepting of the way my pretty blue veins show proudly through my translucent skin. Must protect them! And this is only day two of exposure; I have many more days to get through. Including days of surfing, so -- what? Do I have to get out of the water every 20 minutes, futilely slather more sunscreen all over my body, then get back in the water just so it can wash off and betray me?

Now. I am not a good surfer. I've gone surfing only twice in my life, and the first time I did pretty well. The second time was today, and I did sort of the opposite of pretty well. I did disastrously. I think the problems began when I sliced my foot on a piece of coral (don't worry, mom, no dangerous sharks here) and became obsessed with that fact. My 15-year-old teacher (yeah, I KNOW) would say, "OK, here comes the wave, GO!" And I would look at her, like, BUT I CUT MY FOOT A HALF-HOUR AGO. And then the water was so salty -- I don't remember it being so salty before, it was like I was swimming in an ocean full of Morton's -- that every time I wiped out, it took a good four minutes for my eyes to wash themselves out to the point that I could bear to keep them open. When one is surfing, one should like to see. Ideally.

And then at the end, on my very last wave of the day, I wiped out in a massively confusing moment of flailing arms and legs, barreling waves and flying surfboard. I found my board again when it smacked my head with an unreasonable and totally unexpected force. I think the people around me were very concerned because I came up and stood there with my hand on my head and my eyes squeezed shut for a good while, but I was just silently chanting YOU WILL NOT CRY, YOU WILL NOT CRY, YOU ARE A BABY BUT YOU WILL NOT CRY. YOU GODDAMNED PANSY.

I am my own R. Lee Ermey. Which means I have to go out tomorrow and try again.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Pretty Little Things

In addition to writing three articles, revising three datasheets and pitching three article ideas to a new editor, my list of tasks to finish before we leave town includes this very nagging item: "FINISH THANK YOUS." The difference is that on my private list it's followed by five exclamation points, but I'd like to maintain some modicum of punctuational decency in this public blog.

I know. Our wedding reception was at the end of October, which means I am approaching the three-months-later mark and still haven't finished thanking everyone who so graciously attended and gave us gifts. The etiquette guides are unclear on whether this is a gross injustice and abuse of people's generosity, but if Emily Post comes a'knocking on my door with a stern look, I will go a'knocking out her teeth. Because in all, we have to write nearly five hundred of these things. Of course, it doesn't help that I also insisted on making every one of them by hand, including lining my own envelopes.

thankyou

What's that you say? Emily Post has been dead these forty-some years? Now I'm really feeling a surge of bravado.

My love affair with paper began when I was able to grasp and manipulate a pencil, leaving scribbly thoughts in its wake. After that came all the other tools -- the scissors and glue and crayons and paint -- that could turn plain paper into pretty vessels of personal expression, so tactilely satisfying. Not that I amounted to anything in Friday art class; I have absolutely no talent when it comes to drawing, and art class always seemed to be about who could most accurately draw someone's or something's likeness. Even when I draw my best stick girl, she still doesn't look anything like Kate Moss.

My love affair with paper intensified this summer when I decided to make our wedding reception invitations. I can't show those to you because they have all kinds of personally identifiable information, but I can tell you that they were brown and golden yellow and lovely. I also can show you one of the envelopes, which featured the story of our relationship, told in the third person, in a very faint, pretty script on a shimmery golden-yellow liner.

liner

The story continued all the way to the bottom of the envelope, where anyone curious enough to tear it apart would find a secret message. (I was surprised at how many people did go exploring.)

When I realized that I could customize envelope liners with pretty much anything I could imagine, I really started having fun. Geeky fun. On Saturday nights.

This is a liner with an image of my brother, age 7, holding me, age 6 months, holding a little bear that I still have. I used it to send him a thank you for standing up in our wedding.

stamp

Then I started making cards for just about any reason. Here's a "congratulations" card to my youngest niece when she decided to go to cosmetology school.

scissors

So now I'm down to the last 45 thank yous, wondering what the hell I was thinking (which is the same question The Mouse has been asking me for months), because the volume, my god, the volume. But there will be no excuses for not getting every last one out the door by Saturday morning. I'm hoping that coming in just under the three-month mark is somehow acceptable. For what it's worth, I immediately sent thank yous to anyone who sent gifts in advance -- usually the next day -- and all of the closer family and friends received their thank yous quite promptly.

I've attended weddings with 700-plus guests, and some of those brides and grooms sent pre-printed, generic "dear friend" thank yous. Surely it's nicer to get a personal note, even if you have to wait a little longer?

You can tell me what I want to hear. Really, you can.

Monday, January 14, 2008

The Honeymooners

We made a decision last Monday: to go on a vacation. By Tuesday we had chosen the Sundance Film Festival, found two sets of friends who could offer us lodging to cover our dates, and scoped out airfare. By Thursday we had begun to second-guess our destination. Movies? Love! Celebrities and celebrity-seeking crowds? Booo. Cold? Had enough, thanks. Skiing? Don't know how, somewhat averse to idea of death by high-impact collision with tree.

By Friday evening, we had found the World's Cheapest Tickets to Costa Rica, booked flights and lodging, and begun looking up terms like "two-toed sloth" and "Dengue fever" in the index of our Lonely Planet guidebook.

We went to Costa Rica in 2003, and on first consideration the idea of going someplace we've already visited doesn't wholly indulge our wanderlust. But our 2003 trip was spent volunteering in central Costa Rica, me in an orphanage and he in a nursing home. There was lots of crying and journaling and personal fulfillment, very little time spent thinking anything other than WHY, WHY IS LIFE SO UNFAIR. This time, in a different kind of demonstration of life's unfairness, we're heading straight to the coast for some surfing and diving and biking and hiking. We're leaving Saturday.

(Have you seen that commercial where the woman walks into the office and says to her coworker, "How's it goin', Frank?" And he parrots back, in a disdainfully mocking tone, "HOW'S IT GOIN', FRANK??" and sets off a chain of ugly behavior? If I don't take a vacation, I will be Frank. Thus is this vacation a form of volunteerism. I volunteer to subject myself to many days of sunny, salty pleasure so I may return to the States and answer all inquiries as to how things are going with, "WONDERFUL, and don't YOU look fine today!" and set off a chain of lovely, kissy kindness. It will eventually reach you; you're welcome.)

In preparation, I scoured my wardrobe for beach-appropriate clothing and discovered that I have none. In fact, it appears that I do not step outside between the months of May and October. So I went to Target and discovered what millions of people discovered about a billion years ago: oh my god, what a steal. I got some cute summery clothes and a pair of sunglasses that I could lose on a bus and not think about twice. I'm going to take only items that I won't mind dirtying with sunscreen lotion, salt water, mud and the dripping juices of giant, luscious Costa Rican fruit with which I will daily stuff my face. (See? Life = unfair.)

Except for my computer. Yes, I will be taking a laptop because I have work to do. And you thought I was being sarcastic when I said that life is so unfair. Aren't you cute.

I leave you with two photos from our previous trip to this lovely country. Once again, we'll do our best to avoid the most touristy, least authentic spots. I've read that more and more strip malls are popping up around the country, complete with Burger Kings and coffee shops that sell American atrocities such as iced mocha latte coolers. That just makes me sad, because it doesn't have to be the inevitable result of tourism.

Costa Rica 242ps

Costa Rica 041

Sunday, January 06, 2008

Surprise.

New year, new blog design! I never was a blue-and-yellow girl, anyhow. I'm much more of an obnoxious-coral-with-brown-and-green-accents kind of a girl. (Ask anyone who knows me.) I will miss the skunk, and I wish I had some illustration skills so I could create a monkey or a sloth or a tarsier with a slightly mad expression (redundant on that last one, I know) and perch him in my banner. But here we are.

Kindly let me know if your retinas start to burn.

Another change: On the left, I added a list of links to blogs written by people I like. You might find that you like them, too. And if you do, that makes me something of a matchmaker, which I'm very bad at if the hoped-for outcome is love, marriage and a baby in a baby carriage. So if you visit any of these sites, don't expect to get anywhere near first base. I'm just trying to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony.